The United States of D-Bags


            I know a D-bag when I see one.

And I see them around entirely too often. When I meet one, when I walk by one, when I am offered a drink by one—I know. Quel rat.


I don’t mean to be harsh in this post, or exceedingly girl-powery {okay…maybe I do}, but I know I’m not alone when I say I’ve had my unfair share of dealings with the typical D-bag(s). While most are akin to the backwards hat, sleeveless shirt and white sunglasses wearing Jersey Shore cast member who is more than impressed with his “situation,” there are those that don’t stick out quite as easily. Take, for example, the undercover D-bag. This guy is actually convinced that he’s not a jerk. He’s nice, he’s cool; he knows how to woo you. He’ll do cute things for you while you’re dating a guy from high school. And when your boyfriend decides to end things with you {only because of the distance, surely}, this smooth college boy will tell you you’ve got two weeks to get over the high school ex-boyfriend before he starts pursuing another freshman girl. And he’s pretty smug about it. So sure of himself that it makes you want to puke on his Sperry’s.

But—hold in the bile. He’s such a girl he’d probably take one look at your puke and then vomit all over himself.

He hides the D-bag so well, sometimes you wonder if maybe he’s not a terrible person after all. Just harboring the tendencies of one. You fall for his good side, meet his foul side, and six months later he’s the one to break things off, and still manages to string you along for another six months. 
           
Typical.

This summer whilst bar hopping with my cousins, a skinny guy, probably in his thirties, approached me in an attempt to get me to dance with him and said, “Are you done with this whole ‘innocent and shy’ looking thing?” To which I replied: “Are you done being a jackass?

Obviously not.

So my point is, the D-bags are everywhere. Bars, restaurants, shopping malls—wherever you go. They’re a sad excuse for men, if you ask me. They’re a disgrace to the gentlemen of today, the small population of guys that actually are decent and have a kind and caring heart who aren’t hiding it. These are the kind of men I’d like to see out and about. I only see them in the media it seems like—on TV, the movies, on the Internet. I want something tangible, here! Is it so much to ask to actually meet a nice, genuine, I-mean-business-about-loving-you kind of twenty-something man instead of just hearing about them? I’d like to bring home one of them to my mom and say, “See! I told you I’d find one, just like you did.” Or are all the good guys gone?

One of my best friends and I are newly single {actually, it's not so new...we're just kind of starting to embrace it I suppose}, and I recently realized that this past summer was my first single summer since my junior year of high school. I know, I know—I was also very taken aback. Here I am, a graduate from college, single and ecstatic. Who knew? 

My friend and I like to joke about our "husband hunt," about how we plan to approach practically every good looking and professional man we encounter {specifically at the grocery store}, but to be completely serious, I ain’t approaching n o b o d y. I’m just hoping the last non D-bag on earth will marry both my friend and I, together. Either that, or I shall embrace the meaning of cat lady to the fullest.

Who’s with me?

10 comments:

  1. Love, love, LOVE this post!
    I have met too many d-bags and it has me wondering if there are ANY good guys left. I have my doubts.
    But let's hope there are a few left out there. Otherwise, I will be a cat lady too. That's a scary thought.

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  2. Great post! It's so true. I have no idea where to find the good guys, and I've become so jaded to the whole dating thing. Hopefully there are good guys out there somewhere!

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  3. Most girls reward men for acting like jerks, or as you term them, d-bags. Being a nice guy, or gentleman, is another way to be BORING. Jerks are usually people who don't care what others think and do as they please, which is attractive to women. They are their own men, for better or for worse. (Keep in mind that the jerk is different from the asshole, who is spiteful and mean.)

    I won't fault you for not approaching (after all, this is what men do and not women), but you should worry about cat lady-hood. It is a sad, lonely and empty life choice.

    If you'd like to know more, ask. I'm an expert on early 21st Century gender relations (the PhD is in the mail).

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  4. If you're referring to the "assholes finish first" theory, I'm not buying into it.

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  5. Assholes are spiteful and mean, and no one likes being around them. They are usually so because they wish things were different, and are disappointed at how things are. Dr. Gregory House and Moliere's Alceste are two examples. They do not finish first (House only gets by as he does because he's a brilliant doctor).

    Then we come to jerks. They do not care what others think, and do as they please. Now, they are usually not absolute jerks, insofar as they totally flout all social convetions whatsoever (they will go clothed in public, even if it is not their wont). When it is said that "Chicks dig jerks", perhaps the statement should be expanded to "Chicks dig charming rogues", as rogue implies someone who does not care what others think, and does what he pleases. A truly liberated individual, regardless of the legal rights the state does or does not grant him.

    Now, does our charming rogue finish first? The answer to this question should not be guided by what one might wish the state of affairs to be, but rather how they are. Who do we see carrying away the gold medal, and do we brand them jerks, assholes, nice guys or something else?

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  6. A few of my friends and I were having a conversation earlier on what trait, if you could only choose one, we would want in our future girlfriends. Witty intelligent banter topped the list. You have buckets full. You're going to have no trouble at all getting whomever you want.

    As 'they' say, you'll find what you're looking for when you've stopped looking for it. Enjoy being single. Then again I am no expert (and my PhD is not in the mail).

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  7. Haha, Tom. I'd give you a PhD if I could. In advice giving :)

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  8. Anonymous is SO onto something, as much as I hate to admit it. I agree 1000000%. I also like to think that I have my PhD in relationships in the mail, but I just think that it's really all my experience that have made me feel that way.

    Like you, I've been on both ends. I have dated jerks and assholes and dicks, (by the way, a dick is very different than an asshole - to me, much like Anonymous explained, a jerk is going to be a dick, while an asshole is just someone really mean and spiteful and most importantly, a fucking lying bastards. AND, if you're "lucky" enough, you sometimes come across such a special, rare breed that is a cross between the two! Jackpot, baby!)

    OK, back to what I was trying to get out. I sense from your post that you're a bit younger than I am (I'm thinking early twenties) and while I really am just a few years past my "early twenties" mark, I have an old soul and feel really fucking old. And I hate to say that it hasn't gotten easier, but I've learned from the mistakes I have made at 21, 22, 23. In other words, you have to be stupid to learn. But I commend you fully for not "giving in" and for really wanting a good, good guy. As they say, careful what you wish for...

    There is no recipe for a "good guy" and all really is pretty relative. Your d-bag might be someone else's "good guy." I know that might sound weird and off, but it's true. I really think that the secret is within YOU. You have to really know yourself well, find out what you really want, what works for you and what doesn't!

    Who will openly admit they want an asshole or a jerk? No one. But I can tell you right now, there's a need for balance. I've dealt with assholes and jerks in the past because my self-esteem was shot to shit, because *I* was the "good girl" and guess what? I got screwed over, hence them being assholes and jerks. Had I maybe stood my ground better or set my standards differently - I would have been in a different place.

    OK, I wrote a novel. I'm sorry this is so long, but I hope you will keep up the good faith, and you will see in time that, the time spent alone and being truly single is an amazing journey that we all need to embrace! All falls into place eventually. (I know that just sounds nice, but you find some positivity amids the sometimes-shitty reality!)

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